WEEK 15 – UNDERSTANDING IT ALL

I sit to write my blog this week, and I am heavy hearted, to say the least.  I had steadily felt an increase in my vibrations, my outlook, my “inlook”, all of it.  I knew that I had made some pretty serious improvements and upgrades in my life and the way I would choose to live each day through my journey with MKMMA.  And then….

I suppose to help you understand the depth of my despair, I should probably qualify what I’m about to share by explaining that there are 3 men that I have loved in my life:  my ex-husband, my current husband (who I love dearly) and a man from my much younger years who came back into my life a few years ago together with his wife and became dear friends of ours.  He shared with us that he had been diagnosed with cancer a few years back and he was fighting it with a vengence.  We used a few connections we had and did as much as we could to lend support and help him feel as well as possible through his battle, and I must say we did a pretty damn good job.  He was feeling strong and he looked great.  Until….his doctors told him they didn’t want him taking anything outside of the “poison” they would  subject his body to, and that’s when everything started to turn bad.  He had another surgery in December, and he never really recovered from it, but he did call me last week.  I, unfortunately, missed his call.  His message was simple:  he had started to feel a bit better and was calling just to catch up.  When I got his message, I made a decision to wait a few days to give him some time to gather a bit more strength before calling him back.  Before I did so, he slipped rapidly and made his transition last Saturday.  I’m heartbroken and feeling guilty.  Woulda, coulda, shoulda is all I keep thinking.  I could have spoken to him one last time, but I didn’t and that’s a fact that I can’t change.

So aside from feeling guilty and angry that I’ve lost that chance to speak with my friend one more time, my heart aches and my soul questions.  It questions because one of the finest men I’ve ever known has been taken from this life so prematurely.  He was only 62.  Why?  He was loved by everyone who knew him.  His death has been written up in the newspapers as he was a very well known horse trainer and the racing industry has definitely suffered a tremendous loss.  Facebook is flooded with love and testaments to his character, loyalty, kindnesses, integrity.  My questions and confusion come because it simply doesn’t make any sense.  Why would someone who had done so much good and was such a kind hearted soul be taken so early?

I know all of the above is scattered and parceled, but it’s how I feel right now.  I can only write what’s in my heart, and I don’t believe a greiving heart is capable of clarity – at least mine isn’t.

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